In about one year, you’ll have it all figured out.

These big city dreams are what you’re about.

It seems like everyone that goes to my high school hates this town and just wants to get out.  I’ve never felt that way, because I like it here.  I mean, I wouldn’t want to stay here forever, but I’m happy with going to school here and the life I have here.

I found something in a notebook that I wrote on the last day of school that was inspired by the line from “Big City Dreams” by NeverShoutNever! that is also the title of this post.  I wrote about how I hope that I’ll have things figured out by next year that I’m struggling with now.  I also wrote about not being confident in myself and lacking social skills.

The last thing I wrote was:

I guess I don’t need to figure it all out in one year.  That’s what the rest of my life is for.  In the book, In Their Shoes, an engineer named Tamara Hayman said one of her mentors told her, “Stop trying to figure out exactly what you want to do and just take advantage of every opportunity that comes your way.”

 

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Ice cream and pizza is all I need

Today might be one of those days where all Matt and I do is argue and be mad at each other.  It already seems that way, but it might get even worse when he comes over later.

Like most days this summer, I haven’t done much.  I woke up at 11:30 and had a little bit of a DQ Blizzard for breakfast.  That was the second time this week I had ice cream for breakfast, but that’s what being a teenager is all about.  I watched a little TV, took a shower, read some webcomics, read some blogs, talked to Matt, and played Super Mario 64.  Isn’t my life exciting?  Tomorrow, Rebecca, Mom, and I are going out to do stuff around here, and at some point this weekend, Mom will show Rebecca, Erin, and me how to do some things like wash the dogs.  Both Erin and Rebecca have said that they will help us while Mom is recovering from surgery, which is awesome.

I wanna be her

I cannot get enough of this song.

Man, this is a kickass song.  Turn it up!

Funny how a haircut can do that

The other night I told Mom that I would go out and get something for myself to eat, and maybe go to Wal-Mart. I thought I would be going alone, because I love driving around alone. Mom asked if I was taking anyone else, and I said no, but I texted Erin and asked if she was busy, and she was. Mom then said that she wanted to go with me, but was getting a weird vibe from me. I didn’t care if she went with me. Mom started crying because she thought I didn’t want her to go because I didn’t want to be around her.

She’s so insecure about herself, and I wish she could see how great she is. She thinks she’s boring, I think she’s the funnest person I know. She thinks she’s ugly, I think she’s beautiful. She thinks nobody likes her, and I know that everyone loves her because she’s a great mom and an awesome person to be around. 

Friday night, Mom and I went to the mall to buy some pajamas for her. Dad was in a bad mood, which always puts Mom in a bad mood. She had one of those insecure moments again in the car on the way to the mall. She was crying and saying that no one cared about her, and that she hates that I’m going to have to take care of her. She also said that she has cancer. That’s what made me start crying. I waited until she calmed down to ask about it, and she said that what was on her ovaries was cancerous. But she also said that this surgery will probably take care of it, since it hasn’t spread. It still scared me, and we hugged and made our way into JC Penny.

After we checked out, Mom looked over and saw a salon in the store. She had been wanting to get her hair cut short for a long time, especially since she has a surgery coming up and she’ll be in bed for 6 weeks. She asked if I wanted to get out of there, or if I was okay with letting her get her hair cut. Of course I wanted her to get her hair cut, because I figured that it would make her feel better, and it did. I sat next to her and watched as the hairdresser cut off her long braid and shorten her hair to only a few inches. As her hair was being cut, my mom just got happier and brighter.

When we walked out, she had a big smile on, and said that she felt so good, like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. I had hoped that that feeling would last, but I guess it didn’t. I really hope that soon she finds out how great she is, and maybe after she recovers from surgery and starts feeling better, she will.

This looks awesome!

I found this trailer on Feministing.com, and it looks really cool.  I love just about everyone in this film, especially Ellen Page.  Check it out!

Roller derby had always seemed scary to me, because I’m sure that I would get pretty banged up if I ever tried it.  I get scared of skating in a regular roller rink sometimes!  What if I fall and someone rolls over my fingers? Ouch.  But with roller derby, it’s more like, “What if a girl pushes me and I fall and break something?”  But the women who take part in this sport seem pretty awesome, and I’m sure it builds a lot of confidence.

Another good thing about this video is that it has the song “Boys Want To Be Her” by Peaches (it starts at about 0:48).  I had heard parts of this song before, but hearing it in this trailer made me look it up on YouTube, and it is an awesome song!  What’s weird is that I had just read an article about Peaches in the newest issue of BUST Magazine, and I had wanted to listen to some of her music.

Quest for an automobile

I’ve been on a quest today to look at cars online.  First, I went to vehix.com, and I really like their way of searching for what I want, but after I felt that I looked at everything within my requirements, I moved on.  I didn’t really like any of the other sites, but maybe I was just burnt out on looking.  I would really like to actually go out to a car dealership and compare cars there, but Mom won’t be able to do that for a while.  Since Mom will still be at home when school starts, I’ll probably be driving her car to school until I get my own.  Mom says that I definitely will have a car soon, but I have my doubts.  I’m keeping my expectations low, so that I’m not completely disappointed if I don’t get a car this year.

I usually keep my expectations low for everything in life, and some people might see that as being pessimistic, but for me it’s just keeping myself from getting my hopes too high.  I’m not saying that I don’t hope for anything, because I do.  I hope for what I want, but I don’t expect it.  That way, if I don’t get what I want, I’m not too disappointed because I figured that would happen, but if I do get what I want, then I’m even happier because it’s like a pleasant surprise.

I think that Mom is hoping for me to get a car in September, but we’re keeping our eyes open now.  I think that we should have been looking at cars all throughout this summer.

Countdown to College

Today I received another letter from another college.  I’ve been getting letters from colleges all year.  At first, it was kind of cool and special to get my own mail and to learn about all these colleges that I’ve never heard of.  But now it’s just old, and they usually go right in the recycle bin.  The one I got today is from Elmhurst College.  Whether I’m interested in a college or not usually starts with where it is located.  I would rather go to school somewhere close to home.  If the school’s address is in a town I’ve never heard of, I pull up Google Earth and type it in.  Turns out that Elmurst is close to Chicago, which is too far for me.

There are a few reasons why I want to go to college somewhere that is close to here.  First, I wouldn’t want to feel too intimidated or lonely, and I’m afraid that that would happen if I was in a town I had never been to.  Second, if Matt and I are still together, it would definitely be a factor in considering how far from home I want to go.  He wants to go to a school that isn’t too far from here, and he has already said that he probably wouldn’t want to try a long-distance relationship.  I know that some people might say that I shouldn’t decide where to go based on my boyfriend, and I understand that.  But by the time we graduate, we will have been together for 3 years.  If we can make it that long, then maybe we could do a long-distance relationship, but if it’s not something he wants, I have to decide between him and a school that’s far away.  I guess that’s something to think about when I get there, but all of these college brochures are telling me that I have to start figuring out what I want now!

Elmhurst is offering to send me a booklet called Countdown to College (hence the name of this post) and I guess I would like that.  I need all the help I can get.  When it comes to high school requirements, I’m pretty sure I have everything I need.  By graduation, I will have been in AFJROTC for 4 years, and that will probably look good on a resume.  Also, this year I’m taking AP U.S. History and College Prep English.  Actually, this year will probably have the biggest course load that I’ll have in high school.  Am I nervous?  Nah……maybe.

It feels so pointless, is anyone there?

Today has been a pretty boring day, like most of my days this summer.  Last summer was The Fun Summer, this year it’s The Boring Summer (With A Few Exceptions), and next year it will probably be The Working Summer.  The only reason I don’t have a job this summer is because I don’t have a car.  And because I don’t want a job yet.  Next summer I will have a car, and probably won’t be doing much else, so having a job would be the logical thing to do.  I know that having a job would give me money and work experience, but it’s kind of intimidating.  I’ve never been a “people person,” and I’m worried that a job would be too overwhelming for me. 

Actually, I will be working soon, but not at an official job.  My mom’s having a hysterectomy next week, so she’ll be at home for 8 weeks, and she needs someone to take care of her, and that someone is me.  Maybe my friends, Erin and Rebecca, will help, but I’m not going to expect that from them.

Speaking of Rebecca and Erin, I’m going to be hanging out with them this weekend!  I’m pretty excited for it, because I haven’t seen them much since school ended.  I’ve been looking online for things to do around town, and I’ve come up with a few things.  On Friday, Matt and I are planning on going to the movies to see the new Harry Potter film.  Monday, Matt had his wisdom teeth taken out, and he’s been hurting ever since.  I haven’t talked to him much, since his mouth hurts, but he’s been resting at home for the past few days.  I hope he starts to feel better.

Nobody’s Fault But Mine

Hello, there!  This is my first post, and if you would like to know something about me, read the About Me page or comment me!  This blog is somewhat of an experiment for me, because for the past five months I’ve had a private blog, but I’ve decided to start blogging publicly, and see how I like it.  Let’s hope I do some good writing and don’t embarrass myself!  I’m not sure how often I will update the blog, but I will try to write everyday.  My goal for right now is to keep this thing running for one week.  Wish me luck!

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